VANCE TREND 8: “VIPER VANCE” SCRIPT EXTRACT (COMEDY)

 

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INT. STUDY, VANCE TREND ESTATE. (STUDIO) DAY.

TV Interviewer looks set to give up. Head down, but holding in there, hands clenching the notes. Both Vance Trend and Sorrento have bypassed his plight, so full of themselves are they.

VANCE TREND: (CONT’D)
What can you do when the world renounces an artist? (sighs) So…I took to a remote Italian mountain timeshare in Spain- (cut off)

Sorrento frowns.

TV INTERVIEWER:
“An Italian mountain timeshare in Spain”! Surely you mean a Spanish mountain timeshare in Spain?

SORRENTO:
Given I’m from Spain, I’m sure he did.

VANCE TREND:
You’ve never seen Spain in your life.

SORRENTO:
Except for the remote Italian mountain timeshare- (gasps) Now you’ve got me doing it. I mean- oh!

Sorrento hits Vance Trend with a pink cushion.

VANCE TREND:
To get past my career woes, I took to a remote Italian mountain timeshare in Spain with my 28 year old male lover, Sorrento.

Sorrento beams with delight.

Cue “COME BACK TO SORRENTO” & CARRY OVER TO:

3. EXT. REMOTE MOUNTAIN TIMESHARE, SPAIN. (LOCATION WITH CGI).

Luxury villa perched precariously atop a mountain’s summit.

Fade “Sorrento” to bring up Vance Trend twanging guitar.

CARRY OVER & BRING UP:

4. INT. REMOTE MOUNTAIN TIMESHARE, SPAIN. (STUDIO WITH CGI).

Sorrento recording tracks beside Vance Trend in portable studio. Door open, showing sheer drop at one end. Flight of stairs at the other side.

CUT TO:

5. EXT. REMOTE MOUNTAIN TIMESHARE, SPAIN. (LOCATION WITH CGI).

Sun goes down.

CUT TO:

6. INT. REMOTE MOUNTAIN TIMESHARE, SPAIN. (STUDIO).

Saunter across recording studio. More twanging guitar as we hear Vance Trend and Sorrento making love. They climax and then…

Vance Trend cries out in pain. He’s clutching his heart and recoils from Sorrento, who look offended. Both naked.

SORRENTO:
Typical British worker. Never finish a job off.

Vance Trend lies back, desperately.

VANCE TREND:
You’re as…British as they come.

SORRENTO:
What is it? You pull a muscle.

VANCE TREND:
I think I’ve pulled.. (pointing to phone) My heart.

Sorrento reacts.

VANCE TREND: (CONT’D)
Call an ambulance.

SORRENTO:
That might be rather difficult. We’re halfway up a mountain. I don’t know whether they have health care up here.

VANCE TREND:
Call a fucking ambulance or my world ends tonight.

Vance Trend turns to camera, in all seriousness.

VANCE TREND: (CONT’D)
And with it, the British music industry.

CUT TO:

7. EXT. ROAD TO HOSPITAL. (LOCATION) NIGHT.

Aerial shot of paramedic ambulance turning sloping corners, siren blaring.

Sorrento in the back consoles Vance Trend, still in agony. PARAMEDIC attending to him, speaks in Spanish. Vance Trend just gestures them both away, then clutches his chest again.

SORRENTO:
He can’t speak Italian.

SPANISH PARAMEDIC:
Nor can I.

SORRENTO:
(considers before) Sorry. I keep forgetting.